On Asking A Girl Out

Jun 4

Dating is a frightening proposition. I thought I’d put together some pointers for those guys who might be thinking about venturing out into the big blue sea.

1. Scared - That’s right, girls are scary. They’re mean. They’re intimidating. So shy away from them. Ask them out using as little direct interaction as possible (e.g. while chatting online, on their Facebook, over e-mail). They’ll just want to coddle and love you because they can see that you’re a sensitive soul.

2. Ask Everyone For Advice - Communal knowledge, right? Ask her friends, her enemies, your friends, your enemies, strangers, and anyone else what you should do before you actually do it. But no matter what, don’t ask her yet.

3. Nervous - It’s not easy. So go ahead and stutter, stumble over your words, and forget what you wanted to say. She’ll understand. It’s a tough, cold world.

4. Over Dramatize - Asking out a girl is a big deal. So go all out. Flowers? Of course. Dress up? Sure. Jewelry? Perhaps. Because really, once she says yes to a date, she’s probably going to say yes to anything else that you ask.

5. Trick Her - Don’t even call it a date. Call it “hanging out” or “catching up” or something similarly ambiguous. That way you can get in under the radar without having to put yourself out there. Because if you put yourself out there, you might get hurt. And that doesn’t feel good!

6. Figure Out Everying Before - She’s gonna say yes anyways. So you have to know what kind of centerpieces you’re going to have at your banquet. Man she’s going to look beautiful walking down that aisle towards you, huh?

7. Don’t Take No For An Answer - She really wants you. She’s just playing hard to get. Go get ‘em, Tiger. Even if she gets a restraining order. Even if she never responds to you. Even if she says to get out of her life and never call her again. It’s all a ploy. Only suckers fall for ploys.

Now you’re ready, young man. Or old man. Whatever stage of life you are man. You have all of the tools necessary to win the woman of your dreams. Don’t worry, she’s gonna love you. Trust me, I can tell about these kinds of things.