On Bathroom Behavior

Jul 13

You know me, I like going the wong way. Even in the bathroom. Want to go the wrong way? Here’s how:

1. Carry on a long conversation with others. Because that’s where socializing should take place. Nobody wants some peace and quiet, they want to get to know you while they’re relieving themselves. Or maybe they want to overhear you talking with someone else. Anyways, it’s even worse when they’re talking to you and you’re both doing some business. It’s even worse if you’re both at urinals. It’s even worse if they look at you. It’s even worse if there’s no wall between the urinals.

2. Splash human waste around. You know, get it on the floor, the walls, wherever you can. Because it’s not full of diseases. Besides, it’s funny. And there’s no price too small for a laugh! And no aiming! Let others step in your waste. We like it. No scratch that, we love it.

3. Write obscene messages on the wall. Because everyone likes to hear what goes on in the minds of the underbelly of society. We want to know how you feel about your reproductive organs. We also want to know how you feel about politics. Really, that is the only reason that we’re in the bathroom.

4. Don’t wash your hands. It takes too much time. It’s too much of a hassle. And you’re a clean person, so it’s a waste anyways. Oh and it’s beneficial because it saves water. Everyone wins. Everyone. Of course, then What (am I) To Think?

5. Don’t eat fiber. It makes you have to poo everyday. And that is just not productive. You might as well wait 2 or 3 days and then get all of the pooing done at once. If it clogs the toilet, oh well! Someone will fix it. You’re actually giving them a job to do by clogging up the toilet. You’re supporting someone’s family! Do the good deed.

6. Get other things done while you’re sitting on the pot. Browse your Blackberry, read the newspaper, floss your teeth. Do what you need to do to make that time more productive. Yeah that’s not A Scary Thought, is it?

7. Leave trash all around. Waste more toilet seat covers than you need. Yank on that toilet paper. (For girls) leave those female hygiene products everywhere but the waste basket where they belong. Like I said, that’s someone else’s job. You’re helping out society by lowering unemployment.

So my experiences are a little colored since I don’t go into the women’s bathroom all too often. But you know what? I think that the facts hold true there, too. So you can follow these ideas, but then you’ll be going the wrong way. As for me, I think that I’ll keep it clean and sanitary while I go the wong way.