On Driving

Jun 27

Here’s what you should do when you’re driving.

1. Weave - You mastered Gran Tourismo. Life is just like that. Everyone else is just a computer and they don’t matter. They’re just obstacles in your way to the glorious finish line!

2. Swerve Suddenly and As Late As Possible - Don’t make controlled lane changes in a reasonable amount of time. Wait until the very last second and surprise everyone with what you’re going to do. The government and Google already know everything about you, why let them know what lane you’re going to change to? That’s right, stick it to the Man.

3. Yell At Other Drivers - Why bother being nice and full of good cheer? Inside you want to yell at them anyways. Old, young, black, white, hispanic, asian, gangsters, teenagers, rich, or poor they had no right to be there when you wanted to change into their lane. So go ahead, give ‘em an earful. And you wouldn’t want to make the tirade any less effective so go ahead and stare at them while you yell. Don’t worry about making sure not to hit someone else while you’re not looking. I already let them know that you’re going to not be paying attention so they’ll rightfully get out of your way. Because it’s all about you.

4. Cross Double Yellow Lines - They don’t mean anything anyways. What are lines anyways? They’re just contrived barriers between us and the world. As a kid you wanted to color outside of the lines. And now as a driver you want to cross them as many times as you can. So let loose and cross them. Or better yet, just straddle the lines and pretend that the lines are like the rail that guides your Autopia car at Disneyland. That should be fun trying to sqeeze through when there are stupid cars on either side of you.

5. Cheat In The Carpool Lane - Cheaters 4 Life? Who cares, you need to get somewhere fast and the carpool lane was made for that. It’s not fair that people that decrease gas usage get to go faster. You paid good money for your vehicle and you deserve to go as fast as you are able to. Besides, you’re more important than everyone else anyways.

6. Tailgate - Stick as close as possible to the car in front of you. “I don’t want to get into an accident,” you say. Sissy! I always say if you can’t kiss it, then you shouldn’t be staring at its rear.

So follow these simple steps and you’ll quickly be going the wrong way. However, if you’d rather be going the Wong way, use your head and don’t do any of them!

Thanks, Ms. Q for the idea. If it goes well (people enjoy it), I’m sure that I will come up with more. So let me know what you think of it.